Ready to serve if the need arises

Not likely, but it could happen. Here’s how: the Republicans steal Florida, North Carolina and Ohio, and McCain and Obama wind up tied in Electoral College votes. The matter goes to the House of Representatives, where a melee results and not enough members survive to select a president. Responding to a brilliant suggestion from Gov. Palin, the House decides to hold a lottery of every e-mail address in America. Having just been notified that I won a similar lottery conducted in Amsterdam, my selection is not unprecedented.

Here’s my one qualification: I’d be a better commander in chief than the current president. By that, I mean if terrorists from Colombia bomb the Starbucks at Banks Crossing, I will not invade Venezuela in response.

I know, neither would you, but I had to spell that out. America will not spend the lives of its soldiers to implement foreign policy.

In a Beardsley administration, there will be no tax cuts — until Congress approves a balanced budget, which means it could be awhile. Don’t be a whiner.

By executive order, I will end the war in Iraq, ban Jet Skis, ATVs, reality TV shows and competitive cheerleading. I will terminate the No Child Left Behind Act, the Bush tax cuts and the Bush Doctrine of pre-emptive warfare. There will be no budget earmarks, not even for a bridge to somewhere.

My administration will open lines of communication with Cuba, North Korea, Iran and the Confederacy. Talk is cheap; it’s one thing we can afford to do.

I will ban the Republican and Democratic parties, but will allow them to reconstitute under new names. The boost to the economy in reprinting all of their propaganda will spur an economic recovery.

I will add one new income tax bracket. Consultants hired by news organizations and political parties will pay a 95 percent income tax. That could well balance the budget.

I will restore the Bill of Rights, require that candidates in political debates be attached to polygraph machines so viewers can see the results, and mandate 29 psi of air pressure in all automobile tires. My administration will require major athletic events to begin before 7:15 Eastern Standard Time, move all federal holidays from Monday to Friday and shorten sessions of Congress by 75 percent.

A Beardsley administration will sue boards of directors of financial institutions who lead their companies into insolvency and, when Congress is in session, heat the White House with hot air piped over from the Capitol.

Finally, under no circumstances will I run for re-election. I’ve more important things to do.

Mark Beardsley is editor of The Commerce News.

For all of this week's editorials and columns, see the Oct. 22 issue of The Commerce News.