After all, things have been going so well

Why are they worried? I guess they’re afraid something might go wrong. I mean, things have been going so well, really, unless you’re into peace and economic security, or affordable health care or some other frill. But if you’re just a plain old patriotic American, why, you don’t care about stuff like that. You just want to be able to make a million trillion gazillion dollars and get it stuffed into a giant mattress before anybody catches on.

Take Richard Fuld, for example. I know he was pleased that he managed to take $500 million out of Lehman Brothers during his seven years there. And of course I’m happy for him, because I want to be able to take $500 million myself someday, just like we all probably do. Actually, Richard says it was only $250 million, but who’s counting? Nobody, that’s who! That’s the beauty of it. And hey — he didn’t break a single law, because there weren’t any. He just redistributed some wealth from people who didn’t really know what to do with it. See, it’s not socialism as long as the money is redistributed upwards. That’s the other beauty of it.

Everything is supposed to travel upwards, really; it’s the American way. That’s why it’s important for CEOs to make 500 times as much as their employees — because that’s what you and I would want to make, in case we were so blessed to become CEOs. So our money travels up to them, and then they can share a little of it with the less fortunate, should they so choose. Or not. They don’t have to, of course. It’s a free country.

And if they screw up, why, it’s our job to bail them out, because our money still has to travel upward. And anyway, they’re the only ones who really know how to fix things. Take that Hank Paulson guy who’s the head fixer of the economy. He knows how to privatize profit and socialize loss. Isn’t he smart? He used to be the CEO of one of those companies that got in trouble and had to reorganize, before he became the big fixer, so he’s had plenty of experience with privatizin’ and socializin’.

The important thing is to make sure that none of the money starts traveling downward — or no more than a trickle, anyway. And you have to sort of harden your heart, because people need things, like food, for instance. People want things, like medicine. So say a person wants a bottle of eye drops, and it costs $300; well, that person might have to give up eating for a while. It’s just the price we have to pay to keep the money flowing in the right direction.

So when you see grandmothers sleeping in their cars or having cat food for supper, or if you spot little kids out collecting money for their own kidney transplants, don’t go getting all upset. Just remind yourself that America may be free, but it isn’t cheap. And then get your own mattress ready, just in case you hit the jackpot, should you be so fortunate.

Susan Harper is director of the Commerce Public Library. She lives in Commerce.

For all of the editorials and columns, see the Oct. 22 issue of The Commerce News.