To: Kenneth Feinberg, administrator of BP’s Gulf Fund
RE: Send me some money
Thank you for your time. I wanted to get my claim in for reparations of economic damage before all the nutcases apply. I am thankful that the fund is in the hands of the U.S. government, which is recognized for its money-managing abilities.
Fact: Now that President Obama has ended the Great Recession, I was planning a long-awaited fishing trip to the Gulf of Mexico.
Fact: Everybody I know who has fished in the Gulf has spoken of the giant redfish there for the taking. I planned to do some of the taking.
Fact: The Gulf of Mexico where I wished to fish — Louisiana — is now a BP oil cesspool, rendering fishing impossible.
Therefore, I seek reimbursement from BP for my losses, which I will enumerate below.
First, I am known far and wide as a Master Fisherman, so I can say (to borrow from the late J. Mac Barber) without fear of successful contradiction that had BP not fouled the Gulf, I would have caught 200 pounds of fish.
Conservatively pricing fish at $3.99 a pound (I’m giving BP a huge break here), my claim for lost fish amounts to $798.
However, as the MasterCard commercials point out, the memories of the trip would have been “priceless.” For your convenience, however, I’ve established a (conservative) value on those memories — $100,000.
Additionally, as you well know, a vacation is crucial to the maintaining of one’s mental and physical health and well-being. Thus, by ruining my vacation opportunity, BP has caused actual measurable damage, including but not limited to loss of sleep, increased stress and irritable bowel syndrome. I conservatively place those at $50,000. Apiece.
Failing to catch huge redfish has also deprived me of the pleasure of showing countless pictures of my catch to friends, coworkers and other people unfortunate enough to encounter me in the wake of a typical successful fishing trip. $10,000 is a very fair price to place on that immense loss of enjoyment.
Separately, watching news accounts of dying wildlife, for an environmentalist like myself, is particularly upsetting to the point that I expect to require hours of counseling and higher-than-usual quantities of medication, so I request payment of $1,400 and $9,575 respectively to cover those extraordinary expenses.
All told, I submit a claim to the BP fund for $271,773. I assure you I’ve low-balled my damage estimates, because I am not the kind of person to try to take advantage of BP in its time of crisis.
I look forward to your rapid response.
Mark Beardsley is editor of The Commerce News. He lives in Commerce.
Well Mark since BP hasn't responded yet, I feel compelled to respond for them. I'm sure you are familiar with the Andy Griffith show. Do you remember the episode that Howard Sprague caught the legendary bass "Old Sam" at Myers' Lake? Do you remember the pain and suffering Howard recieved from the residents of Mayberry? All I can say is that the same thing would happen to you if you caught the giant redfish in the Gulf. Among other things this directly led to Howard getting blackballed for membership to the lodge. You actually owe BP a debt of gratitude and a quart of oil, since they are a little short.